why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
