oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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