Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
