why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize