I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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