It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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