I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
