just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
