i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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