pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
