You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
