sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
