Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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