The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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