Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
