I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
