I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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