that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
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i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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