I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No subtext here. People are naked.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
