I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
nutella sex= disaster
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
