A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
