I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
