meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
