I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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