My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
