i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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