you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
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It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
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So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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