I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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