he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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