I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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