Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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