Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
