She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
