How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
