Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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