I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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