I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
