I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
