I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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