I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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