i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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