Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
