There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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