don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
