good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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