its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
