1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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