In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
