I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?