Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?