I am in a vortex of obligation.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My life is pants optional.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
