Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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