If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
