I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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