you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
