I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
